Category Archives: friends

Chicago Zine Fest 2014

Well, Chicago Zine Fest was a really great, if overwhelming, time. I guess that’s how it usually goes, right? I shared a half table with Curiouser Jane and we were fortunate enough to sit next to Cindy Crabb (doris distro) and Molly Berkson (and 3rd language distro). So great.

The other reason I keep coming back is that so many people make it to this zine fest. Folks I only get to see once a year, if that, end up at CZF. I’ve been sort of out of the “zine scene” for the past year, and this was the perfect way to get back into it for me. Of course, the other great part was getting all of these zines!

CZF 2014 haul

I definitely have a lot of reading to do.

Thanks to everyone who stopped by my table to buy my zines or trade. It was a pretty awesome day, even if I did have to take all of last night and today to recover. Introvert alert!

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Looking forward

I’ve decided to actually sit down and figure out what I want my life to look like next year. I’m normally not one for New Year’s resolutions; I tend to do that sort of “life reviewing” stuff around my birthday. However, for whatever reason, possibly due to seeing other people’s plans/resolutions on tumblr and elsewhere or because I’m just in that sort of mode at the moment, I’m going to write out what I want to do (and continue doing) in 2012.

First off, I want to continue doing some things that I’ve been good (or relatively good) at keeping up this year:

  • flossing
  • writing and making zines
  • full moon potluck hangouts
  • zine reading/skimming group
  • reading books and zines
  • my self-portrait project: It ends on 02/21/2012, but I think I’m going to do a themed version after that, possibly on self care.

At the moment, these are the things I need to keep saying to myself in 2012:

  • Take pictures. I used to carry my camera around with me everywhere, and I’d like to start doing that again. I really miss it.
  • Be sluttier. 2010 was pretty slutty for me, which was sometimes great and sometimes not. 2011 started out (literally on January 1st) with someone being shitty to me, which I think set the tone for me being very tentative in that arena. I’m hoping 2012 is far nicer.
  • Make (and send) mail art. I found Good Mail Day really inspiring and would like to try to make postcards, letters, and envelopes that are interesting and fun to look at.
  • Do yoga. Recently, I’ve been letting my relatively new home practice slip, so I want to get back into doing that and going to class consistently. I feel much better, happier, and more stable when I’m practicing regularly.
  • Keep track of one good thing that happens every day. I am totally stealing this idea from my friend, Heather.
  • Make gifts for Xmas throughout the year. I felt weird this year because a few folks gave me gifts and I hadn’t gotten them anything. I also half-assed and/or didn’t really plan the few gifts I did give. Mostly, I want to be more thoughtful and deliberate if I’m going to give people gifts.

And, although I have no plans on how to make these happen, my life would be so much if I managed them:

  • Sell my house.
  • Get a new job.

Traveling

In less than two days, Dalice and I will be leaving for Disney World. Yup, Disney World. I’m unspeakably excited about it, partly because I know Dalice is going to dork out about it in a pretty adorable way. It’ll be my fourth trip there, but my first time going when it isn’t a family trip, and I think it will be nice to have it just be Dalice and I, instead of having to worry about what other folks want to do and whatnot.

We may be posting some random pictures or other things to http://yupdisneyworld.tumblr.com/, but we’ll see how that goes.

After we get back, we leave the next morning for a short trip up to Michigan to do the Xmas thing with Dalice’s mom’s family. It could be a stressful mess or it could be fine. All I know is that I’m going to bring some knitting and Miami, You’ve Got Style to keep me occupied. I’m not looking forward to two long bus rides, but at least I’ll only have four more days of work left for the rest of the year once we get back.

I haven’t packed a single thing for either trip. Getting my big suitcase out of the closet counts for something, though, right?

My Weekend

So far:

  • won a half table at Chicago Zine Fest next year – awesome
  • still feeling kinda sick – boo
  • finished the second sleeve on this baby sweater – yay
  • got a bunch of zines (Thanks Heather and Jami!) – woot
  • read a few zines and a bunch of a book – always good
  • watched Back to the Future II and III – fun

Plans:

  • watching My So-Called Life
  • reading more of The Fasting Girl: A True Victorian Medical Mystery
  • working on the back of Dalice’s quilt
  • knitting the hood on the baby sweater
  • starting to pull together Dalice’s and my Disney movie review zine
  • feeling better

 

Exes

I just finished writing a post at Typetrigger about some of the more immediate emotional aftermath from being dumped a few years back. It’s amazing how a simple prompt can toss me right back into that moment when I felt worthless and stupid and pathetic. That ex is definitely my Big Bad, though I think most of that is my fault and not hers.

Or at least that’s how I feel about it today.

I don’t think the people I know now really understand who I was (or who I thought I was or how others thought of me) back then. I mean, it’s been over three years, so of course I’m not the exact same person I was then. There are really only two people who really knew me back then that I still talk to / hang out with from time to time. Everyone else met me right before, in the midst of, or after the split.

I guess the obvious question is who, exactly, I was three or more years ago.

I was really shy. I liked myself and was OK with the fact that I was (and am) a naturally shy person, but my ex made me feel more awkward about it during the eight years we were together. The first time I was going to meet her mom, she mentioned that I should try to talk more and not be so quiet like I usual was. Now, I knew I was a quiet person (and still am in a lot of situations), but I was paranoid about whether that made me seem “odd” (in a bad way). Apparently, it did, at least to my ex.

I had baggage related to the whole quiet thing that wasn’t her fault. Toward the end of my freshman year of high school, I was at a classmate’s house after working on a group project, waiting for one of my parents to pick me up. While we were waiting, she took it upon herself to tell me that she and one of my new friends had thought I was “really weird” when they had a class with me over the summer.

Great.

Now, I have the feeling, since this particular person wasn’t mean or anything, that she was trying to say, “Hey, you’re pretty nice. I thought you might make me uncomfortable, but you’re actually OK to be around and stuff.” However, that’s not at all what I heard. It crushed the little amount of self confidence I had built up related to interacting with my peers at school. To say that I worried about seeming too awkward or quiet would be an understatement.

So, when my ex busted out with a plea / warning / admonition about my quietness, I felt like I was back in that girl’s living room, watching her mess around with her color guard flag thingy, telling me what a damned weirdo I seemed to be. I’m sure there were other times my ex mentioned my being “too quiet”, but I seem to have blocked them out, which is pretty great.

I suppose I should have known better than to mention my sadness at realizing that all but two of “our” friends were really her friends, but I didn’t, apparently. She did, however, magnanimously tell me that I should be friends with one of her newer friends, since we’d probably get along. A friend donation, if you will. Her reasoning? Her friend was “kinda boring”.

No, I am not kidding.

So yeah, that happened. I felt like shit. Again. A lot. For a while. It was difficult enough admitting to myself that I hadn’t reached out to make friends of my own and had left it to my ex, but the fact that she was telling me, to my face, that the only person she thought would want to hang out with me was someone who was “boring”, killed me.

And then a funny thing happened: I put myself out there. I figured that I’d been so hurt that the worst that could happen was getting hurt again. What’s funny is that it actually worked. I suddenly had two really supportive networks of friends (my knitting bitches and a great bunch of queers) that I could craft and drink and take pictures and cook and go places and make out with. Hell, I even got a bunch of pretty great romantic/sexual partners out of the deal, which was amazing after feeling utterly undesirable for 6 or 7 years.

Happy ending aside, I can still feel that panic and pain when I think back on it.

And I haven’t eaten in a Potbelly’s since.