Not in that order.

BnF #8 will include pieces about my health, makeup, street harassment, transit, and half.com. I was feeling pretty down about my writing, but I really like what I have. Hopefully, this means I’m on my way to writing more consistently.

In other zine news, I am working on another Disney review zine with Curiouser Jane. We’re still trying to figure out exactly what genres of Disney movies to include, but we’re already hard at work reviewing a ton of lovely and horrible movies.

In life news, I am a few months into my third 365 project. It’s going OK so far. I think it will help when spring gets here; if that ever happens. I am organizing all of my stuff and getting rid of things, which feels wonderful. I’m walking more and wanting to walk even more. I’m very happy to have the life I do.

If you wanna grab anything before then, go to my etsy shop or just check out my website and email me at butchnorfemme@gmail.com with what you’d want.

I’m also open to trades, especially queer, self-care, feminist stuff and folks who reflect on their own messed up behaviors and try to improve. Just email me or message me here.

• I will be dressing up every day for work. Actually, I will be Dressing Up every day for work. This is completely contrary to how I see myself and how I’ve dressed for work for pretty much forever. This also means I need to buy new clothes, shoes, and a bag because I don’t have anything appropriate for this particular environment.
• I have been shaving my armpits and legs. I am not a shaver at all, but interviews and the disgusting summer heat made it a necessity for me. I’m not sure if I’m going to keep shaving my armpits (That hair is my favorite.), but I’ll probably keep shaving my legs until tights weather hits.
• I’m probably going to wear a bit of makeup to work every day. I usually don’t wear any makeup. I don’t know if I’m thinking of doing it because I want to / think it would be nice or if I feel like I “should”.
• I’ll be making more money. I know this is a good thing, but…yeah.
  
• I ate meat the other day on purpose.

I don’t think I’d be so stressed about these things if they weren’t pretty much exactly how my Big Bad started changing around the time of our breakup. Of course, she was also going out constantly, drinking and getting high, and only eating out and never cooking, which aren’t things I’m doing.

I know I’m throwing a lot of my neuroses and stuff out there, but…I guess that’s how it goes. And, while these things are definitely on my mind and making me uncomfortable, I am happy about the job-related changes going on when it comes down to it. Here are some of the things I’m excited about:

• Working 9 to 5. While I would definitely work 8 to 4 if I could make my own schedule, I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get up in the morning and have time to do a few things instead of just showering, getting dressed, and running to the bus every morning.
• Eating breakfast. This is related to the previous one. I have never really eaten breakfast before going to work, so I’m going to try to use the later start time to do so.
• Doing yoga. The plan is for that to be what I do pre-shower and pre-breakfast. I’ve really fallen away from yoga and it has definitely not been for the best.
• Getting paid more. I’m not raking in a ton of cash, but it will allow me to be comfortable, which is something I know not a lot of folks are able to say.
• Leaving my old job. I could go on for days about this, but let’s just say that it was horrible.
• Getting reviewed. I have not had a review in 8 years. Yeah, I know!
• Going to Knit Night. I’ll be working a few blocks from my favorite yarn store, so I should be able to go to their knit nights far more often. This is a really, really good thing.

I guess I know I’m not my ex (on about a billion different levels), but this is where my brain has been the past week or so. I know I’m more caring and far better at communicating. I know that I am not my job. I don’t want some sort of “nicer” or more upper class lifestyle. I am not running away from anything, be it where I live, the people around me, or who I am.

Hell, I love where I live, the people around me, and who I am.

So, I guess I’m writing this mostly to be accountable to myself to not turn into some horrible person and maybe to have other people bring it up if they see my behaviors changing. I know I’m a good person and will continue to be one, even if I do look like the million other drones riding the L to the loop in the morning.

I can hardly make sense of it.

I keep having stress dreams where I actually don’t have another job lined up. Like it was all an elaborate hoax. That the offer letter I signed and sent back never arrived, so they assumed I wasn’t interested after all. This is all ludicrous, considering how thorough and communicative they have been during this entire process. But, you, now, I’m still worried. Worried about chance and worried that I won’t be able to do this job. After this long feeling like I’m wasting my time and like I’ll never find anything else, I don’t really know what to do now that I actually have something new.

The files are almost done being copied over. And I’m almost done here. I’d be happy if I actually believed it.

In honor of DC (or, more truly, in honor of having a deadline because of DC), I’ll have a new zine. It’s Butch nor Femme #6 / Your Secretary #12. Jami and I have talked about doing a split before I ever wrote my first zine, so I’m excited to finally have this little zine out. And I do mean little: 32 pages, 1/8 size. I wrote about each of the 18 people I’ve kissed. I forgot four different people and had to rework the zine a few times after I thought it was done, but I think it came out well. Jami talks about writer’s block and reading tarot, along with some thoughts about a relationship that ended. I’ll post a picture once we have them put together, since we’re laying it out tonight, I’m printing out copies tomorrow during the day, and we’re putting them together tomorrow night.

Nothing like cutting it close, eh?

I grabbed breakfast with Dalice, then we stopped at my bank on the way to enjoy one of the Adler Planetarium’s free days. I’ve been sick for days now, so we took a break between shows at the planetarium to have a drink. The cafeteria overlooks the lake, and it was pretty gray and sad.

So, I took pictures of Dalice (and her tattoo) instead.

We ran to Old Navy and the Disney Store for a second, then headed up north to the Chicago Diner for dinner with Dominic. After that, we wandered around The Container Store and wasted some time in Crate and Barrel until our bus came. I was dying to get home, but I have to admit that I’m glad I was able to see this sunset.

Once we finally got home, I laid around watching the last two episodes (ever, apparently) of Big Love. Dom did some chores and then hung out on the couch with me.

Now, we’re watching 9 to 5, so I’m pretty happy, or at least I would be if I could shake this awful cold. I have to admit, though, that it’s been a pretty lovely day.

I am hoping to work out what I want to do for the cover next week, since it will take more time than my usual covers. Maybe. It is possible that I will have a block-printed cover, depending on a few different variables. I’m also using different (hopefully nicer) paper for the cover. Good times all around. Depending on whether I’m super into it or bored of it, I might forgo stapling for another, more interesting binding. Maybe I’ll sew it. Hmm…

• Jenna B. will be staying at my place, which should be fun.
• I’m tabling with Curiouser Jane, which should also be fun.
• We still need to buy fabric for our table and figure out how we want to display our zines, but I think that will be another fun thing.
• I have printed out all the copies of the zines I have out so far. Woo hoo!
• I still need to finish up my split (Butch nor Femme #3 for me) with Curiouser Jane. That needs to happen soon.
• I’m thinking about putting together a small zine consisting of things I wrote on Typetrigger, hopefully involving a pretty cover.
• I’ll be getting a tattoo from Alana, which I’m ridiculously excited about.

Overall, it looks like it’s going to be a pretty great time. Also, their Safer Spaces Policy makes me so, so happy to be participating this year.

First off, I want to continue doing some things that I’ve been good (or relatively good) at keeping up this year:

• flossing
• writing and making zines
• full moon potluck hangouts
• zine reading/skimming group
• reading books and zines
• my self-portrait project: It ends on 02/21/2012, but I think I’m going to do a themed version after that, possibly on self care.

At the moment, these are the things I need to keep saying to myself in 2012:

• Take pictures. I used to carry my camera around with me everywhere, and I’d like to start doing that again. I really miss it.
• Be sluttier. 2010 was pretty slutty for me, which was sometimes great and sometimes not. 2011 started out (literally on January 1st) with someone being shitty to me, which I think set the tone for me being very tentative in that arena. I’m hoping 2012 is far nicer.
• Make (and send) mail art. I found Good Mail Day really inspiring and would like to try to make postcards, letters, and envelopes that are interesting and fun to look at.
• Do yoga. Recently, I’ve been letting my relatively new home practice slip, so I want to get back into doing that and going to class consistently. I feel much better, happier, and more stable when I’m practicing regularly.
• Keep track of one good thing that happens every day. I am totally stealing this idea from my friend, Heather.
• Make gifts for Xmas throughout the year. I felt weird this year because a few folks gave me gifts and I hadn’t gotten them anything. I also half-assed and/or didn’t really plan the few gifts I did give. Mostly, I want to be more thoughtful and deliberate if I’m going to give people gifts.

And, although I have no plans on how to make these happen, my life would be so much if I managed them:

• Sell my house.
• Get a new job.