I just vented with my coworker about how much I hate working here for about, oh, half an hour. Maybe more.
It’s too familiar. The complaining. The not caring if my supervisors know that I hate my job. The wanting to JUST GET OUT. The lack of any semblance of motivation. The feeling beaten down by indifference and not being valued at all.
I don’t define myself based on my job. I never have. I don’t want to. However, this is different. This is me feeling like shit when I get to work and dragging my feet when it comes to doing some of my job. It all still gets done (well, I might add, and on time), but I don’t find 99% of it interesting. I’m also losing the one extra benefit I’ve secured for myself (working from home once a week) at the end of the year, since my department never got permission for me to do it and apparently doesn’t want to get into trouble or…something? I don’t know. Ugh. It makes me want to cry because it’s so frustrating.
I’ve been in a similar position before. I lost my first full-time job because of a grant not being renewed, but that’s the technical reason. I’m pretty sure the reason that part of the grant wasn’t renewed was because I thought the (unqualified) director they had hired wasn’t doing his job. Which was true. He was never around and never let the staff know when he’d be in (or not, more likely). It was hard to start a new center when the main person who was supposed to be driving its mission simply didn’t come in.
Or not. Ugh. I hate feeling like this. I’ve been applying to jobs, but I’m honestly afraid that I will never get out of this crappy university. I hate that people keep telling me I’m overqualified for the positions I apply for. Yeah? Then why am I stuck in this shitty job? I need to get out and soon, but it’s demoralizing to think that I’ve been here for 7 years and have only managed to get a handful of interviews. I’m so stuck.
Some of my faculty know I’m trying to leave and, while they don’t want to lose me (because I’m an awesome person to work with), they are hoping I find something better. Me, too. Soon. I don’t want to stress about my job. I hear myself complaining about stupid things at work to my partners and other folks. I can feel it starting to tip over from not caring to feeling shitty, like it did in my previous job. I don’t want that to be a part of my life.